Andor and The Power of Patience

I could make a list as long as my arm of all the things the show Andor does right. Gosh, it does so, so many things right. It simply oozes with thought and care and precision. But as I settled contentedly (or, often as not, with tension) into each next episode, one word kept coming to mind.

Patience.

This show–these writers–have so much patience. And the result is gorgeous. Just as three hours on the simmer gives you meat that falls off the bone, and three years on the vine gives you grapes that you can actually use, the good stuff requires a wait.

The writers must be allowed to take their time.

The characters must be allowed to develop naturally.

The plot must be allowed to unfold one bit at a time.

The viewers–and this is crucial–must be willing to sit with the story in the same way you sit with a view, or a rainstorm, or a painting. Don’t rush it. Don’t chase the high. The thrill, the rise, the crack-and-rumble–it will come in its own good time. And it will be so much more satisfying than if you were zipping through inattentively looking for the big moments, ignoring the little things that make the big moments matter.

The little moments in this show ARE the big moments, often as not.

Patience Leads to Intimate Detail

Syril Karn eating the candy from the spider souvenir. How very like him.

Dedre Meero shivering with nerves before the Gorman rebels rush into her trap. How unlike her.

Chandrilan wedding customs, examined at length, laced with a perfunctory attitude, building to a breaking point.

A tourist advertisement for Gorman cloth and Gorman spiders, strange at first, but slowly reminding you of some mundane thing you’ve seen in real life.

Bix loving to go into a Coruscant shop where someone recognizes her. Cassian hating it. Literally just a shopping trip with no other purpose than to speak volumes of different experience and approach in life.

The show lingers on little things. And it rarely feels like a distraction, or filler, or waste. Instead it feels intimate. Being let in on the ‘small things’ draws us in close, makes everything feel real and alive. Makes the big things more true.

So many shows (and books, and movies) either throw the small details together in a slapdash manner which adds nothing to the story–you can almost hear the editorial voice behind the ear: “add something here to flesh that out”–and which doesn’t feel naturally integrated, or they don’t bother with the small details at all. Everything is broad and “accessible” and hollow.

Because they think we’re just here for the explosions? That we won’t notice?

But even when we don’t notice with our eyes, our intuition does notice. We say “it was decent, but didn’t make much of an impact. I don’t really remember the details.”

Because the details weren’t worth remembering.

Or they were never even there.

Andor slows you down, adds the ingredients one by thoughtful one, and the combination is deeply savory to the taste.

Patience Brings the Characters to Life

If a book or a show is in a rush to get to the “cool parts,” one of the first things to suffer is characterization. True, we can learn about a character in a moment of intense action, but we actually learn so much more about someone in everyday moments. When they have to do something normal, like eat, or talk, or read, or wait, or listen.

Andor chooses to give our characters everyday moments often. In fact, I would argue that the reason Cassian Andor himself doesn’t usually top the list of favorite characters for the show–that is usually Dedre, Karn, Luthen, or Kleya–is because he is given fewer moments of stillness and normalcy. He is usually headed toward action, one way or the other. He is a great character, and a perfect throughline for the story…but we don’t know who he is to the same depths as we do some of our fantastic villains.

We see Karn in the in-between all the time. The expressions on his face as he thinks, worries, wonders, or waits.

A whole episode is dedicated to watching Kleya take action and then…wait. And in the waiting, there is the grief and the pain and the strength of who she is, mixed with the empty space of what she has lost. She is a hammer driving into a nail, and she hasn’t the faintest idea of how to be anything else. She is bereft in more ways than one.

And why do we spend so much time amidst wedding customs, family conflict, and gentle politicking with Mon Mothma?

Because they show us what she is used to. The milieu in which she is accustomed to swim. But also the things she knows she may lose. And the conflict over whether she is willing to lose them. They show her devotion but also her distance from the grittier elements of the work she is part of. They show someone who is deeply committed to a cause, but hasn’t yet experienced the full scope of the consequences.

Conflict. Confusion. Courage Conviction. Commitment. She has all of these. And we get to see them consistently across quiet moments, and everyday conversations.

Patience Makes the Culmination Count

How many times have you read a book or watched a movie where the BIG FINALE happens, and you found yourself indifferent, or only half invested?

Or how many times have you said “They got into this scrape only to get out of it right away. What was the point of that?”

Andor rarely falls into these traps, because the writers of this show had true patience. You can’t get the view if you don’t climb the mountain, and that takes time and effort. If you rush it, you are going to miss all the things that make a climax impactful.

In season one, we spend multiple episodes in a work prison.

We spend a lot of time learning the mundane details of every day prison life.

And a lot of time feeling the walls close in, the inescapability of the situation.

The hopelessness.

A lesser show would have done all of this in one episode and expected us to get antsy then exploded swiftly toward the escape before we got too uncomfortable.

And that could never, EVER have had the impact that the escape episode ultimately did, leading all the way up to the brutally unanswered line “I can’t swim.”

We cannot achieve that level of emotional investment AND emotional catharsis if we didn’t have to wait for it. If we weren’t bursting with frustration. If we didn’t feel the hopeless tick-tick-tick of time in our own brains.

Similarly the long, drawn-out hike toward the Gorman massacre is absolutely essential for making it mean something. The trouble with something like Star Wars is that it has the ability to shoot up to an incomprehensible scale in two minutes flat. An entire planet is exploded in the beginning of A New Hope while we’re still figuring out what’s what.

This is why the whole “First Order” business in the sequel trilogy felt so hollow. It was just “everything that happened before x5!!!!” without taking the time to make any of it mean anything. It was not personal, it was just business. The business of filling in the blanks in a sort of plot madlibs, a thing that at no point in time derives itself from character or an honest theme.

So why does a town square massacre mean more than the destruction of entire planets? Because we saw both the danger and the resistance to the danger grow from the beginning. We saw successes and failures and complications and the slow closing of the hands around the throat. The show did a great job of giving us real-world cultural signposts to guide us through the pathway without getting too heavy-handed about it. Yes, the French-sounding Gorman language and the clothing styles left no doubt as to the parallels, yet instead of being obnoxious, it just gave wind to the sails of the natural direction of the story.

Like I said: it’s a tick-tick-tick-boom.

So many writers want to skip straight to the boom. Andor’s writers added extra ticks, until we were sweating.

To imbue something with meaning and tension simply takes time. And in order to do that effectively you have to be willing (as a writer) to tolerate a drop-off rate. Or tentative viewers. At least at the beginning. There will be people who “aren’t sure how they feel about it yet.” But if you did your job right (and I certainly think the writers of Andor did) then, by the time the viewer gets to the end, they will feel a deep satisfaction. One that a rushed story could never, ever give.

So There You have it

Well it took me like 3 months to finish writing this. I didn’t do that on purpose to emphasize the theme, that’s just my life right now. I love stories that take their time. That aren’t afraid to go the hard route, to make you wait, to show you small things that feed the big things at precisely the right moment. That beg the readers trust and then duly earn it.

Andor is such a show.

SPFBOX Update (A tie! And more)

So once upon a time–which is to say, roughly a year ago–I entered By Blood, By Salt into a book competition. So did 595 other people. Only 300 were allowed to compete so they had to randomly select 300 entrants out of the 595.

I passed that first hurdle by sheer luck!

Then the 300 books were divided into groups of 30 and each batch was handed to a judge or group of judges (if you want the proper/official explanation of all this, here’s the link).

I was allocated to Jay Kennedy from the Youtube channel Captured in Words. This is important because I can assure you that had I been handed off to a different judge, this story might have gone quite differently. Every judge has different tastes. This part of the game involves, yes, the quality of the book but also the luck of the draw. Is your book to this particular judge’s taste? Or not at all?

So here we have a combo of quality and luck: Captured in Words LOVED my book, it WAS to his taste, and he moved it forward as his finalist.

Now my book became one of 10 finalists to be reviewed by all the judges over the course of several months.

There was breath-holding and slight drama

“OH MY GOODNESS…An amazing review!!!”

“Oh my goodness, a very critical review. That judge didn’t like it at all…”

“ooh, but this one did.”

After a certain point I figured I wasn’t gonna win, but might make the middle of the pack, or even 2nd or 3rd if I was lucky. It wasn’t like I EXPECTED to win. I didn’t even expect to make the finals.

But mathematically, it was still technically possible for me to win, so the mind wants to hang onto that in spite of reason.

After a dramatically low score, followed by a dramatically high score, and then holding breath again for the final score…By Blood, By Salt was tied with Mushroom Blues (LINKED HERE).

A complete tie. Exact same score on the board.

Unprecedented, apparently.

The author of Mushroom Blues (Adrian Gibson) and I were in a brief state of bewilderment, before they announced how they broke the tie. They broke it by counting up the number of times a book was the favorite of a given judge/group. Whoever had the most favorites, won.

Which broke the tie in my favor.

So…even though Mushroom Blues and By Blood, By Salt tied for first, By Blood, By Salt was selected as the winner of SPFBOX.

What does this mean? *Deep Breath*

A lot more eyes on my book than I’ve ever had before. Some people will like it. Some won’t. It’s been thrust from a little pond into big lake, so let’s see how it swims and how it keeps its head up.

ALSO, this means my book is automatically entered into a championship round. All 10 winners of all 10 SPFBO years will face off to find the champion of champions. But we get a month before that starts.

For now, though, whew…it’s over (ish) and it was a wild ride. I am so excited, but also pretty overwhelmed.

Truth told, I am still a little taken aback that other people see in my book the very things I most hoped they would see. I am amazed and so grateful.

Birria Tacos and Chapter 25

THE TACOS

I had never had Birria Tacos. Not at a food truck. Not in a restaurant. Not at someone’s house. But they were all over the internet and they looked like heaven to me. Call me “influenced.” I wanted to try them so bad. But we don’t go to restaurants very often–doing so with five kids is not the most convenient or economical activity–so I knew that if I wanted to try them I was going to have to do as I have always done:

Hunt down multiple recipes.

Experiment.

Amalgamate.

Figure it out for myself.

I’ve done this with other foods I have longed for but had no access to. I once ate the most amazing, mouth-watering Hungarian goulash on a beach, made by the Hungarian (I believe?) girlfriend of one of my Marine Corps buddies. It took a lot of work for me to figure out that recipe and to realize, a decade later, that the girlfriend was right all along. It DOES have to simmer for at least 2 hours for the paprika to get all incorporated and mellow and rich.

Likewise when I wanted the amazing korma and saag from the DesiWok restaurant in my hometown, what was I supposed to do? Mix and match between a dozen recipes, get it right, then wrong, then right again.

So now with birria tacos. I’d seen the videos. I read the recipes. I cook a lot, so I understand basic principles. I set to it.

I was so excited to try my first attempt. I had a clear expectation. Even though I had never had them, I still had a pretty good idea of what it was supposed to taste like. At least, I thought so. In any case, they were unbelievably amazing in my imagination.

Well the tacos were…okay. Certainly edible. Just fine. A perfect 3-star meh.

And I just knew that couldn’t be it. Something was missing. I scrapped the recipe I’d been working off and used a different recipe as a base (if you cook a lot you don’t need a recipe so much as a recipe base. Experience and intuition will usually cover the rest).

There was a flavor that my heart was longing for, and I hadn’t reached it. That’s all I knew.

New recipe. New attempt. This time, I knew I was on the right track. The flavor was richer and deeper and livelier. Everything about it was 10x better. The base of this recipe was GOOD. And now all I needed to do was make those little tweaks and adjustments to taste. Either way, what I now have is worth keeping and refining.

Usually takes me 2-5 attempts to land on *THE RECIPE*

THE CHAPTER

As of the time of my writing this I am working on chapter 25 of book 3 in my Land of Exile series. The chapter number might change. It might get split into two chapters. I don’t know what the title of the book is. All that is beside the point.

The point is, I’m still trying to hit on the correct recipe. I think I’m getting close.

The first attempt was a complete bust. I wrote about 1,300 words and I could tell–I could just TELL–it lacked the depth and richness of flavor I was craving. The POV character was talking to the wrong person, it felt a bit off, a bit contrived.

I mean you could consume it. It was inoffensive. It would convey the information. It would get you to the next scene. But would you want to eat it again? No.

Way too bland.

So. Scrap it. Start over with a fresh recipe. Different POV? Maybe, maybe not. Or just a different angle from the same POV? What if he was talking to her instead of him? That could work. That conversation would taste very different, because the relationship between that one character and her is quite different, and that would come through in subtle ways. Much more complex, piquant flavor if she’s the one answering those questions. Hmm.

Okay. This tastes WAY better. But…I’m not quite there yet. More salt? Is the flavor too one-note? A hint of acidity perhaps? Yes that character would be feeling sharp anger and desperation, wouldn’t they? But they can’t let it show too much, so we’ll have to put in only a hint of that.

Part two of the chapter. New POV. Flavor’s a little flat again. How did that happen? Gotta work with the flavor profile I’ve already got going, don’t I? Go back to that: A bitter, frustrated undertone. No time for frivolous conversation, so let’s not let that drag on. Plenty of sour irritation and contempt that isn’t allow to show through too much.

How many recipes to I have to go through, experiment with, amalgamate, and tweak before I discover the final chapter? Till it has all the savor and complexity and depth I longed for from the beginning?

Sometimes just one or two.

Sometimes a lot more than that.

But I really don’t want to settle for a weak flavor that’s only halfway there. For ‘good enough I guess.’ I want it to feed the soul. I want to be able to savor every bite and crave more after. If I don’t feel that way, reader, how on earth can I expect you to?

Audiobook! And other stuff.

I forgot to post about this! Two weeks ago the audiobook for By Blood By Salt released on audible. You can get it here

And for those wondering (since I did have people ask, though I know replies sometimes go into spam! I promise I always answer all questions from my contact form, so if you didn’t get a reply, check your spam!) A Haunt for Jackals audiobook IS IN PROGESS! Right now! I don’t have an exact publication date, but it is coming and as soon as it’s ready, I’ll post about it everywhere.

Since I’m already here, here is another update:

Book 3 (Yet-to-be-named)

I am still working away at re-writing book 3. Roughly 84,000 words out of an estimated 165,000. So pretty much exactly halfway, which is an amazing point to hit. Wrapping up a trilogy is hard. It’s so easy to feel like you can’t catch all the threads, like you might miss something. So even though I am working hard and consistently, I am taking my time with this one. I want to get it right. Oh my goodness, I want to get it right so badly, I love this story so much.

And…I think that’s all I’ve got. Mainly the audiobook thing, though. That’s a pretty big one.

Publication Day!

Today, A Haunt for Jackals is released out into the world!

I loved this book dearly, and I hope you will too.

After capturing a jinn-devil and fleeing to the desert, Azetla has exchanged the threat of execution for the weight of high treason. Thousands of men are now under his command—for the Emperor’s brother must have both a scapegoat and a symbol to stand behind his quiet coup.

But Azetla has different plans. He means to bring his masters a war which will spread throughout the southern desert, and beyond. As Azetla gathers troops and tribes and victories, his reluctant alliance with the Sahr devil becomes an indispensable one. Few can resist the influence of her words, which reach every tongue and every tribe.

The rebellious nobility of Maurow will get more than they ever bargained for.

The Emperor’s brother, James, will become a far more ruthless man than he ever wanted to be.

And the whole southern desert will be tempted by the chance to cast off the yoke of the Empire

They need only submit to the command of a jackal and the voice of a jinn.

Buy on Amazon

Buy on Barnes & Noble

Buy on Kobo

Buy on Google Play

Add on Goodreads.

Quite the Year: a summary in 4 parts

2024: The Books I wrote and related topics

I published the first book in my Land of Exile trilogy, By Blood, By Salt on May 14 2024. I had been working on and off on this trilogy for nearly 2 decades. I had gone the traditional publishing route and would have held to it, except my agent left the publishing industry and I had to consider if I wanted to start from square one, or try a different venture: self-publishing.

Self-publishing is usually a slow-start with a lot of leg work to get the book out there. To find readers. To get reviews. But I’ve had some incredible love showered on this book, and I am so thankful!

As part of my effort to get the word out there I decided to enter a self-published book competition, the SPFBO (read about it here or here). I had two astonishing strokes of luck which I could never have contrived for myself, even if I were the greatest writer in all the lands:

A: it was a complete coin toss whether or not I got IN the competition, and I got in.

B: It’s also complete luck-of-the-draw WHICH judge or group you get assigned to. The range of scores trickling out in the finalist round (see that here) proves that a winner for one judge might be uh…NOT a winner for another and this is certainly true of my book as well. The judge I was assigned to selected my book as his finalist. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. It means now that ALL the judges will read and review my book. But some judges would have felt quite differently, I imagine, and had my book been assigned elsewhere there is every chance I could have entered and exited this competition in complete obscurity. Different people have vastly different tastes!

To be completely honest, becoming a finalist in the competition gave my book an incredible boost. People who would never have otherwise heard of it took an interest and decided to give it a try. Even people who aren’t particularly keen on military fantasy! And others who might have been only vaguely aware of it moved it higher up on their TBR.

A lovely Youtuber, Tori (@Toritalks2) who is also the author of The Blood Stones, decided to give it a try. And she loved it (HERE’S the video).

And she shared that love with all her viewers (Here’s another!).

And she interviewed me (this was so fun to do)

Meanwhile I was hammering away at book 2, A Haunt for Jackals, which will publish on the 25th of February.

People talk about the book-of-your-heart. Well, here it is folks. I have never yearned for a book the way I yearn for this one. Hopefully I’ll be able to say the same of book 3 once I’m done re-writing it, but this lil’ baby has so much of my heart, soul, blood, and sinew in it and I hope you love it.

Book 3 is at about 30-35% written (or re-written, since I had written book 3 before, but am now doing so again from scratch because everything has changed so much over the years). It is very slow going but that’s just because I want to GET IT RIGHT!!! There are just ever-so-many nails I want to hit on the head, all simultaneously. This is precisely as hard as it sounds.

SPFBO UPDATE:

Regarding above-mentioned competition. It has been a fascinating experience. I have received 5 out of 10 total scores and it has been a THRILL reading different judges responses to the books.

Here is the first score I received from Youtuber Captured In Words: an 8.5. A strong score, due to the fact that I was the finalist he chose from his batch of 30 books.

The second score was a little rougher around the edges, but still fun reviews to read, from Fantasy Book Critic: 6.

Third score/review from Esme Weatherwax and co. was by far the most amusing and I laughed out loud: 7.5

Fourth Score was from Covers With Cassidy: a 7.5

My fifth and most PHENOMENAL GROUP of reviews/scores yet (5 total reviews!!!!) came from Queen’s Book Asylum. Reading these made me absolutely giddy: an 8.5 average between five scores. But, y’all, one of them gave me a literal 10. A TEN.

Five scores down! Five to go! Pretty sure it’s still anybody’s game.

2024: The Books I read

I am not going to list all 30 books (okay, technically 29. Ya happy, goodreads challenge?!!?) that I read this year. The absolute standouts were Everything Sad is Untrue and Wind, Sand, and Stars.

Both are memoirs. Both have unique, elegant prose that yanks at your heart and soul. Both are HIGHLY recommended to any and all readers.

Two other surprise beauties were Shards of Honor, a military sci-fi with heart, and The Rock, a historical fiction set in 7th century Jerusalem surrounding what would eventually become the Dome of the Rock and all the religious beliefs, conflicts, and conflations that surrounded it.

2024: The life and times of JL Odom

Whellll. This was the year I published my book. This was the year I got overwhelmed by all that came along with that, including trying to be on social media without being CONSUMED BY IT. And trying to enjoy the little successes of my book without BEING OBSESSED BY EVERY DOPAMINE HIT AND SCOURING THE INTERNET FOR SIGNS OF MY BOOK’S SUCCESS.

I have been homeschooling my 5th, 3rd, and 1st graders and this is the first year that I really struggle to stay on the ball with that, because the book stuff consumed so much of my time and mental energy, not to mention it was plainly distracting. Figuring out a more workable schedule is the high priority this coming school year.

I’ve been teaching Jiu Jitsu still, but had to scale back on attending classes and teach only, because the time just wasn’t there.

Figuring out a healthy balance has been a challenge and it is still very much a work-in-progress.

But you know what else we got to do?

Go to the Balloon Festival in Albuquerque with some family

Visit Yosemite and Sequoia/Kings Canyon with family

Also the Petrified Forest/Painted Desert

I competed TWICE at purple belt, even though I am a new purple belt and have had to scale back my training of late, it’s still good to go out there an get it.

It was a good year. It exposed a lot of my weaknesses, for sure, but that’s for the best and on we go.

It’s only because they KNEW better

If I open a book with low expectations, and the author precisely hits that mark, I probably won’t be angry. I will conjure a shrug or a “meh” and give it two or three lethargic stars on goodreads and say something like “it just didn’t make much of an impact.”

This was the Divergent series for me. I was never much for YA, and color-coded dystopian always seemed too absurd for me. So when I read the second book, I shrugged, but I wasn’t mad. I didn’t expect to be blow away. I turned the pages and forgot everything thereafter.

If I open a book with no expectations of any kind, truly anything could happen. I might find a gem that sticks with me forever (The Promise by Chaim Potok, or Wind, Sand, and Stars by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry). Or I might burn inwardly with fits of fury at the mere thought of a book I read ten or twenty years ago. Guys, I hated The Book Thief with the fire of a thousand suns. Hated. Loathed. It committed many crimes of soul and intent.

(It is a popular book, so it suffers nothing by my scorn)

What I’m saying is no expectations: total crapshoot.

But there is a very certain experience I have had when I start reading a book, and the author quickly shows me they are competent. They have a deft hand with characters and know how to weave depth and reality into the reactions and actions of these fictional beings.

But now this author is in deep trouble. Because now I have expectations of them. High ones.

If you show me that you can do the double back-flip, you better believe that I am going to expect you to do it.

Call it unfair. Call it whatever you like. If I KNOW you’ve got the goods, I’m going to expect you to show up.

Authors of Classics are most at risk for this, from all of us. We are handed a book that has stood the test of time, and we want to find out why. It doesn’t help that these are often forced on high school students who aren’t really desiring or willing to take the time. If we aren’t left in a stunned silence of awe, then someone might go make a video on Youtube about how ‘the classics aren’t that great’ or something like that. And then hundreds of people will comment with agreement (“They’re all dry and boring! They describe a building for 100 pages.”) and hundreds of people will comment with offense (“Dostoevsky has more talent in his pinky finger than most of these modern authors have in their whole bodies.”)

And the conversation goes nowhere.

That’s not what I’m here to do. I think Classics are wonderful. I also think they have jumped into the ring and can get knocked down same as anybody else. They just get back up, you know. That’s what makes them classics. That, despite their flaws and failings, something in them goes on standing.

Which means you can beat them to a pulp or ignore them and they will still be there. Some of them with more merit than others, obviously.

“What’s your point?” you may ask.

My point is that greatness does not exempt you from scrutiny. It, in fact, invites it all the more readily, because greatness can withstand it. So let me tell you where some of the greats angered me. And they angered me because they were great. And they knew better. The very text that angered me proved to me that they knew better.

East of Eden

I read this book on my sister-in-law’s recommendation. And it is a phenomenal book. Worthy of its place as a classic.

The characters (but one) are complex and interesting. The setting is so well-described it can be felt on the skin. This was my first Steinbeck novel and rest assured it will not be my last.

One of the central themes in the book rests on the Hebrew word in the Bible “Timshel” which is much discussed in the book. It’s to do with the translation of one particular verse in the Bible:

Does the Bible say:

“You SHALL conquer sin” (a command)

“You WILL conquer sin” (a promise)

Or “You MAY conquer sin” or “Thou Mayest conquer sin” (a choice)

The point here is that the characters who feel they are bound to evil and destruction because of their heritage have CHOICE. Not a guarantee, but a choice. One character, discovering the truth, loses their sense of self. That is a choice. Another wrestles and comes out, like Jacob, with a sense of blessing. That too is a choice.

Agree or disagree theologically, but that is the basic message of the book.

Except there is one person in the book for whom this message does not apply. And here comes my grand frustration. My “you knew better!!!”

Cathy is the villain of the book. It is made explicitly clear that she was a born psychopath. At no point in her life, not as a child, nor ever after, is there any indication that she could have been otherwise, that she could have resisted, tempered, or been redeemed from her evil tendencies. She is just evil incarnate. She is the satan of the story and we are not encouraged to look for her redemption. Nor is she encouraged to do so. This path is denied her.

She never appears to make a choice. She never even seems to have one.

With such a rich theme of resisting one’s sin nature, or one’s shameful birth, or one’s inherent flaws because “thou MAYEST” one of the characters doesn’t get to reside within that beautiful framework.

Some people really are born with psychopathic tendencies. It’s true. Are they irredeemable? Do they have no choice over their actions, even if their nature makes it ten times harder? This is an unacceptable premise to me.

East of Eden is a fantastic book. You should read it.

But, come on, Steinbeck. You KNEW better. It said so right there on the tin. Timshel!

The Brothers Karamazov

I read this book a few bites at a time over several months. I think it’s one I’m going to have to read again to fully appreciate. There were soaring heights in this book. There were moments of dragging tedium which seemed to go nowhere. There were beautiful monologues. There were grand themes. There were broken, selfish characters who showed signs of humanity, and characters who wished they were better than they were, and everybody is an absolute mess (except Alyosha, who is our moral center in the story).

Essentially this whole thing boils down to a quote from yet another famous Russian, Solzhenitsyn: “the line between good and evil cuts through every heart.”

Through a goodly portion of the book we are trying to discover who did a certain evil deed. Since all of our characters are of such mixed morals and motives, we have good reason to think some of them could have done this horrible thing. The book forces us to wrestle with their baser instincts, the reasons why people might do such things.

But in the end it is a TOTALLY UNEXPLORED character who actually committed the crime!!!!! And his motivations REMAIN UNEXPLORED.

[SPOILERS FOR A 140 YEAR OLD BOOK THAT ISN’T REALLY ABOUT PLOT ANYWAY]

Behold, if you look on my goodreads, you might see that I rated The Brothers Karamazov 3 stars. “How dare you?” you might say. But first, ratings are misleading. And second, I dare. And third, I didn’t rate it 3 stars because I think it’s a mediocre book. I rated it 3 stars because that’s my goodreads shorthand for a book that I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RATE because my feelings about it were so incredibly mixed.

I am glad I read this book and I recommend reading it. That’s the whole point of this essay. These books I’m ranting about? THEY ARE GOOD. I wouldn’t be ranting if they weren’t. I would have forgotten about them.

So here is a quote from my review on goodreads, and my chief frustration of the novel:

“Smerdyakov: this too is very unresolved, in the story-sense. We can assume his motivation for murder, but only assume. We don’t know. And we never really understand his despair, or why he kills himself. Is it to try and destroy Ivan too? Whereas everyone else’s motives and thoughts are given lengthy explanation, Smerdyakov is left in the dark. His voice is not heard. Even Alyosha has nothing to say about or to Smerdyakov except that he was the murderer. I take it to understand we’re meant to have compassion on Mitya in his almost-crime, but not on Smerdyakov in his actual crime. Why not? I mean, he was guilty, but why no exploration for him as for Mitya? Is it a class thing? He wasn’t socially “important” enough? This bothered me.”

So, dear Dostoyevsky. You already know I’m going to continue with your work. I want to understand you, even if you are a טעם נרכש, as the song says (the song also says that black coffee, cigarettes, beer, and Cate Blanchette are “acquired tastes” alongside Dostoyevsky, so do with that what you will. Also that song is wildly inappropriate.)

But you shorted yourself, man. In your long, long book, you shorted yourself. You didn’t examine your culprit the way you examined all the other accused and compromised characters. You should have. I wanted you to. I wish you had.

You should have known better.

The Once and Future King

I haven’t yelled angrily in a book’s margins in a long, long time. This book made me do it. This book is beautifully written. By turns weird, whimsical, and introspective, it is an an unusual and tonally jarring book. Sometimes it is profound, other times it is nonsense. Like the aforementioned books, it’s been around for a while, and is cherished by many.

I cannot say I LOVED it. But there were passages that took my breath away, and the characterization of Lancelot in particular is some of the best I have EVER seen of a morally failing hero. He wants so badly to do right. And he so badly and repeatedly misses the mark. It’s epic and tragic and full of turmoil. Lancelot is, hands down, the most compelling character in this book.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO DOESN’T GET THAT TENDER, THOUGHTFUL TOUCH?!?!?!? WANNA GUESS????

Guenivere. Good heavens.

Every now and then the author would take a stab at making her something other than a petty, selfish, foolish, amoral nothing-of-a-figure designed to be no more nor less than Lancelot’s weakness. Sometimes he tried to flesh out her failings. To put breath in her lungs and blood in her veins. And then he would promptly excuse himself and go back to making Lancelot the most sympathetic failure you ever met and Guenivere nothing more than the means to that particular end.

Mr. White. I accuse you. I have ample evidence. It is clear beyond all reasonable doubt that you had the ability to craft a morally flawed and morally failing character while still making them dear, complex, lovable, and sympathetic and even heroic.

You could have done this with Guenivere too. But you chickened out.

You said, writing about Guenivere, “It is difficult to write about a real person.” In response I scrawled “well, you didn’t!”

One could argue that her being cold, heartless, amoral, and completely indifferent to the moral struggles of the man she loved WAS her personality, but I cry foul. This was a cop-out. It was the author being uninterested in giving her the level of complexity that he gave to Lancelot. He could see how a man like Lancelot might participate in adultery and betrayal while still desiring good and honor, while still feeling shame and sorrow and hope…but he could not conceive of how a woman might do so. She, inevitably, must have a blankness in her moral center, and absence of thought, a lack of conflict.

Now I hate adultery with the fire of a thousands suns, so it’s not that I wish to find it justifiable. I just wanted White to give the same attention to Guenivere’s conflicted wrongdoing as he gave to Lancelot’s. Apparently, she was not worth it.

You had the ability, my good man. You had it in you. You just didn’t do it.

Even the worst person you know is a person.

Lewis had a few words to say about this:

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which,if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”

He is talking about real people. But as both a reader and an author, I want to find the people in my books real. Even the ones the author forgot to think about.

A Haunt for Jackals

Coming Feb 25 2025, Book 2 in the Land of Exile trilogy! And here is the cover by the artist Jeremy Adams:

After capturing a jinn-devil and fleeing to the desert, Azetla has exchanged the threat of execution for the weight of high treason. Thousands of men are now under his command—for the Emperor’s brother must have both a scapegoat and a symbol to stand behind his quiet coup.

But Azetla has different plans. He means to bring his masters a war which will spread throughout the southern desert, and beyond. As Azetla gathers troops and tribes and victories, his reluctant alliance with the Sahr devil becomes an indispensable one. Few can resist the influence of her words, which reach every tongue and every tribe.

The rebellious nobility of Maurow will get more than they ever bargained for.

The Emperor’s brother, James, will become a far more ruthless man than he ever wanted to be.

And the whole southern desert will be tempted by the chance to cast off the yoke of the Empire.

I love this book so, so much. I hope you will too.

Add it on goodreads

Or pre-order the ebook on Amazon

(Other links will be updated as they become available)

I’m going to revamp the “My Books” page with my limited design faculties, so hopefully that will be updated soon!

The Wisdom and Joy of the Re-Read

First of all: Perseverance is Rewarded

Once upon a time, in high school, I was assigned to read a book: The Abolition of Man, by C.S. Lewis.

For those who have read it, you’ll understand why the average Oklahoman teenager (such as myself) might not have totally grasped every last inch of that slim but punchy volume.

For those who haven’t read it, you definitely should. It’s an eloquent treatise on morality by C.S. Lewis, refuting moral relativism, and using a lot of Latin phrases and whip-smart vocabulary that I had never heard a day in my life.

So yeah. I wasn’t totally tracking. But I WANTED to get it. It was like I could almost see it and I wanted to get glasses so I could really see it. I sat down and tried reading it a second time. I still felt like I was missing something. I was a smart-ish kid, and got good grades and read good literature, but at the end of the day some of this was just going over my head.

But I was also a very stubborn, dogged kid. This can have very good and very bad results: ask my mom or dad. They can tell you all about each.

So I looked up all the Latin phrases and wrote them down on index cards. I went to Barnes and Noble (41st and Yale to be exact) and sat in the cafe area with The Abolition of Man, a dictionary, and those index cards. Off of the top of my head, some 24 years later, I still remember the phrase Pons Asinorum being the first key to unlock the meaning of one particular paragraph. Which is ironic and thematically satisfying to me as I write these words right now, if you happen to know what pons asinorum means.

Dawn broke. The book was opened to me. Its riches were scattered across my skin and poured into my soul. It became one of my favorite books of all time. And I became a different kind of reader. One who actually enjoys a book that necessitates some bouldering and scrambling, so to speak.

It took 3 tries, y’all. THREE.

Second of all: Comfort

But that sounds tedious and studious and schoolish, you say? Maybe. But that’s only ONE reason to re-read. To better understand a complicated or advanced text.

BUT WAIT. There’s more.

I am a huge proponent of the comfort re-read. Mara Daughter of the Nile, Surprised by Joy, Anne of Green Gables, and The Blue Sword have been these for me throughout the years. It give the regular joy of a morning cup of coffee or your favorite hoodie. Heretics, by GK Chesterton. All the Narnia books.

Some people think of a comfort read as something “light” and “easy.” Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. That doesn’t really matter. The ease comes not from the language or themes or story, but from familiarity. And if the book is really good, not only does it hold up to the re-read, it is enhanced by it.

Each time you go back to that comfort read you see AGAIN why it is you love it, why you cherish it, why it brings you joy or conviction or hope or release of emotion or inspiration.

People do this with tv shows too, especially when they are tired and not in the mood for novelty, but rather for old friends. “Scrubs” is my comfort re-watch and whenever my husband and I watch it again, I’m not just zoning out with background noise, but I am in fact–as an author–highly attuned to the story-telling and characterization and what makes it warm, funny, endearing, and successful. Nothing is new, but much is discovered.

And the episodes I love most still charm me thoroughly. They do not dull with time, they only shine brighter with the warmth of knowing. A bad story won’t usually do that.

Third of all: A Second Chance

C.S. Lewis was once asked what he thought of the book A Canticle for Liebowitz. I LOVE that book, so I was thrilled to find he’d read it and was very intrigued to read his answer. He didn’t give much of one. He said he’d have to read it a second time before he could fully form an opinion on the matter.

It was as if he was saying that a book hasn’t really been read till its been read twice.

That may seem a little extreme, but I think there’s something to it. And I don’t know if C.S. Lewis ever got to read A Canticle for Liebowitz a second time. But I have. And, honestly, I think it’s due for a third round some time soon.

The point is, you don’t meet someone one time and say you know them. You don’t visit a city once and say you’ve got a bead on the place. You don’t eat a delicious meal one time and then swear it off for the rest of your life.

Whether you loved the book or merely liked it, a second read will crack open its beauty all over again, and reveal ones you never could have noticed the first go ’round. Does this mean I’m going to re-read The Brothers Karamazov again someday? Maybe. Intimidating, but maybe. I suspect there is a lot I don’t know from one mere meeting.

This entire post was inspired because I am re-reading a book called The Scorpio Races. I have three short chapters left, to be precise.

I read it many years ago at the behest of one of my dearest friends. I really liked it. I supposed it might be worth a re-read (my friend re-read it multiple times) but I never managed to give it one. But I so happened to join a read-along this year which committed me to the task.

And I have loved it SO MUCH MORE this time. One minor quibble remains (my goodreads shall know of this) but many things that kept it from being an all-time favorite have melted away with time and maturity and perspective, and the book seems richer and more beautiful to me now that it did that first time. It’s loveliness shines. I like the characters better. The moments were more tender. Instead of seeing the characters more as peers or trying to self-insert, I see them as a mom, looking at very young people who are lonely and hurting and trying to make their way in the wide, wild world as best they can.

For this reason when I make my “Things I shall read in 2025” list or whatever such future lists, I think I would do well to make sure that a good number of these are re-reads. I have many casual acquaintances with books. I should like them to become more intimate friends.

In the SPFBOX

I mentioned being in an indie fantasy book competition a while back, in this post.

I set my expectations at: get a few eyeballs on the book, and maybe get a decent review from a judge.

I did not (except in rare moments of what I would have called utter delusion) set my sights on: make the top ten.

But I did! Out of my group of 30 books, I was selected as the finalist. Out of 300 books, I am in the top ten.

This is the video where it was announced.

Here you can access a link to every post/review for all the books in the competition in phase 1.

Phase 2 begins: NOW.

What does that mean? It means that the same 10 judge groups will read and review each of the 10 finalists and, over then next several months, will give them a score. The scores will be tallied (in May, I think?) and a winner will be announced. This year is special since this will be the 10th winner of the 10th SPFBO (hence, spfboX) and then the winner from each of the ten years of the competition will be entered in a grand winner rumble and the champion-of-champions will be announced!

Anyway, to get to be a part of this is just phenomenal.